Have you ever wondered how you can kill your SEO? I mean, surely it’s not
doing all that much for you, right? Why not just get rid of it altogether? Well, don’t worry. We’re here to tell you the fastest way to kill your SEO, aside from calling the exterminators.
The key thing you need to remember is that you can quickly and efficiently euthanize any SEO you have by the simple means of ignoring a few unimportant things.
I mean, really, who needs ’em? Ignoring your customers online is basically like putting arsenic in your SEO’s cup of tea. There are a few simple steps to completely giving your customers the cold shoulder.
Stop your Social Media
If you have to spend time on Facebook at work, do it on your personal page. It doesn’t matter what your customers would like to hear about – you’ll find it a much better use of your time to update your friends on your new puppy than to update your customers on your new product line.
Should you find that you’re having a hard time cutting off your social media completely, try to get rid of all but one outlet, and then update that infrequently and with irrelevant posts. It’ll die off on its own in no time. And when that’s gone, you’re one step closer to a dead SEO!
Honestly, what does it matter what your customers think of you and your business? You’ve already got their money. And it’s not like word of mouth is an important thing, or like prospective customers will look you up to see what other people think of your company. That’s just unrealistic. Ignore those reviews completely, and definitely don’t use them to identify problems. This one does double duty – not only will your SEO suffer (as it obviously should), but your online reputation can take some serious blows, too.
Interaction is Irrelevant
If you’ve already cut off social media and started turning a blind eye to your reviews, good job! You’re already well on your way to completely avoiding customer interaction, and this is an important step in killing your SEO. But you need to go further.
Make sure any customer interaction is stopped completely. Pull the plug on emails, FAQs, or any program that could possibly allow your customers to learn about your company or have any meaningful contact. Responding to customer concerns in a blog post – out. Holding any sort of Google Hangout to let people ask questions – nonsense! Reviewing comments on your site – gone! Let them manage on their own! Your SEO will thank you. Well, maybe not, but you’ll be shoveling dirt on its coffin for sure.
Google and Other Search Engines
Want a sure-fire way to shoot your SEO full of holes? Find out what search engines are looking for – and then completely disregard that. Just to get you started, we have a few tips here.
Obviously, the only reason to have a website is to make sure your keyword appears as often as humanly possible. Put it in all of the content, whether or not it belongs there. Make it stand out like a sore thumb. Shove it in people’s faces. (We don’t care about them, after all, as previously established.) Put it in all the meta tags – cram every word you can think of into meta tags. And you know what? Just for good measure, you should use it as a linking keyword all the time. If you can make it so every paragraph of your text has your keyword at least five times, good job. Let the search engines know that you know what your website is about, and if they think you’re being too heavy-handed, they can just eat it.
You know that post we just did about this very issue? Well, who cares? You want to kill your SEO, not pamper it. Backlink everything. Put backlinks in the weirdest of places and on every site you can manage. Buy backlinks. Go to places that sell backlinks en masse and order a crateful. No, make that five. Put links all over the internet and don’t give a fig about relevance. You don’t need SEO, and every spammy backlink you can make is a bullet into your SEO target, so the more you have, the better. It’s like a backlink machine gun!
Black Hat Everywhere
It’s time to go whole hog. Go out and find everything you can that could be classified as a black hat technique, and use it on your website. Use invisible texts! Redirect people like crazy! Buy and sell links wholesale! Hey, why not just farm them? Any sneaky, underhanded strategy you can think of is sure to sink your SEO like a stone.
This one’s related to both, but there are more than one ways to skin an SEO. If you want it dead as a doornail, make sure you keep these things in mind while designing (or re-designing) your website.
Who needs it? Just throw things everywhere. Make it as confusing as possible and shove as many things onto one page as you can. Don’t put links to your home page in any obvious places. For that matter, make sure links to other pages aren’t obvious or consistent, either. The ideal layout for dead SEO looks like it was put together by a 3-year-old and then run through the wash in a hurricane.
Posting should be as infrequent as possible. If you can put off putting up new content on your blog for a year or two, good job! This will let your customers know you don’t care and tip off the search engines that you have better things to do than try to make your website optimized. Let’s go post more pictures of your new puppy instead.
Content on your website should be designed to get on people’s nerves. Any descriptions should be so incoherent and thick as to completely destroy meaning. Other good ideas to plug a hole in your SEO include sound bytes that immediately start playing when someone opens the page (loop them if you can), leaving out pictures or headings or any clarifying markers, and making sure the text and the background clash so much that you set off migraines for anyone looking at your site.
Following these simple instructions provides a sure-fire way to burn your SEO to a nice little pile of ashes. Now, of course, anything contrary to these might revitalize it, so be very careful to follow these instructions carefully. I mean, we’re trying to kill your SEO, not breathe new life into it. Because who wants that, right?
Inspiration for this post comes from Andy Crestodina’s article on MarketingProfs.com.